The Queen and I have a love-ambivalence relationship with the ol' V-Day. While we like the idea of having a spot where we feel compelled to actually say "I love you," we are too cheap to actually do anything on February 14th. Instead we generally wait a week or so after Valentine's Day to celebrate our love because chocolates are 75% off, flowers return to regular price, and we can actually get a reservation at a fancy restaurant. Besides, I'm much more of a Sweetest Day guy. (That's the one in October of September or somewhere around there, right?)
However, this year we decided to up the ante because we have the child. For some reason we thought that if we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day "right," she would grow up to be a heartless, mean old lady who despises love in any form. Without her heart-shaped box of chocolates, she would slip into an endless malaise that triggers a series of events in her adult life:
- First, she would become a shut in who surrounds herself with oodles and oodles of cats.
- But after her nosy neighbor complains of the constant meowing, the health department takes all the cats away leaving her with nothing but festering rage and an electrical mechanical degree from DeVry University.
- She then creates the Deloveinator, which will empty the love two people have for each other FOREVER.
- She'll zap celebrity couple
Miley Cirus and Liam Hemsworth.... Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones.... Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman...(Wait, those two are back together. It's nice to see.) Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman it is.
- The public will witness the tragedy. And, without the love of Danny and Rhea, the world will fall into deep despair.
- Valentine's Day will be over. Hallmark will fold. Walmart and Target will conspire together to develop a new holiday so it can sell Hating Day hatchets, Hating Day Voodoo dolls, and Hating Day chocolates laced with cyanide.
- The President of the United States will want to help the sagging economy by partaking in the new tradition and will end up up in jail after poisoning the Queen of England.
As for the Queen and I, we ended up eating chips and salsa in bed watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and were asleep by 11. Who said romance is dead?