As I'm sure you remember, on Monday I had my thyroid forcibly ripped from my throat and discarded in the trash like a hunk of rancid sausage. I was told the surgery was a sight to behold, as it lasted about two hours. I petered out before it started, but I think it must have ended with a hulking man-wolf perched upon the operating table holding the offending gland aloft, shouting "I have slain the beast, and it is glorious!"
The "doctor" tells me he just removed the thyroid calmly, closed up the incision, and left for another appointment. He has no imagination. And his lab coat makes him look like a pharmacist.
Since then I have been recuperating at my sister-in-laws in Indianapolis, so that no little princess hands could jab at my scar. It's been pretty boring. But since nothing else happened in the world, here's some random thoughts I had the day of surgery:
- Hospital waiting rooms are never as glamorous as they make them look like on T.V.
- I wonder what that guy is in for? Is it rude to ask?
- Should I have made a scrapbook of me and my thyroid on Snapfish? Or perhaps a mug?
- It would be cool if the thyroid was God's superpower restrictor plate. Like the nurse comes out and says, "you're going to be in a lot of pain this week, but now you can fly!
- I wish I chose "turn invisible" instead of "fly" for my superpower
- Why did they have me take off my underwear for a neck surgery? Should I be worried?
- I wonder how many naked guys wore this robe before me?
- I hope my insides smell nice
- I'm going to try and dream about dinosaurs. But Fred Flintstone dinosaurs, because real dinosaurs freak me the flip out
- The nurse keeps calling it "Happy Juice." Does she think I'm five, or is that just fruit punch? Hopefully they didn't run a financial check on me before hand
- Getting sleepy....dinosaurs....dinosaurs....dinosaurs....grocery shopping....CRAP!....zzzzzzzzzz
- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...dinosaur shopping...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- These stiches hurt. How does Frankenstein's monster do it?
- I'm going to keep pretending I'm asleep until the nurse leaves, because I'm pretty naked under this sheet
- The doctor said he couldn't see my parathyroids. Now I think he's just making stuff up to sound important
- I wish they let me keep the gland in a mason jar
- Is it too brazen to ask the hospital if they have a social media marketing plan?
- My vocal cord nerve is fine -- why is my wife crying?
- So insurance approved 40 pain killers without blinking an eye, but turned down a calcium supplement. Can't believe we have an opioid crisis
- This neck drain that I have to wear tonight -- not in the brochure
- I wonder if my gall bladder will want it's freedom, too?
- Not dying is a plus and all, but my family would have been set if I kicked it on the operating table
- It's a beautiful day. The bees are beeing. The birds are birding. And HOLY CRAP MY THROAT HURTS!
- My momma always said if something was rotten, cut it out of your life
And that's all the time we have tonight, kids. Come back tomorrow when my guests will be Martin Short, Method Man, and the music stylings of the Dixie Chicks.
Good night, and sweet dreams.