Sunday, February 2, 2014

Day 16 -- A Note to Kroger

Dear Kroger,

Thank you for an exercise in futility during my shopping experience.  I thought that perhaps finding healthy food should be quick and enjoyable, but boy was I wrong.  Now I know the pleasure of hunting through a dirty, ramshackle grocery store for an hour trying to track down anything without preservatives.  Thank goodness you haven't updated the store since 1974, or I may have to question where that disco-era beef broth came from.

It's also really nice of you to pre-brown all your bananas.  I always have one or two pieces of fruit that I either have to throw away or freeze for bread-making purposes, but I never thought of buying them already rotten.  That saved my already fragile system from those pesky nutrients and antioxidants.  Without your help, my daughter may not achieve her personal goal of type II diabetes.

I was almost tempted to pick up something made from non-gmo grains, but luckily your natural and organic section consisted of one aisle the size of my dining room table.  I am impressed with your selection in such a small area, and I bought all three items.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that much organic tartar sauce, but I'm sure it will be something.

Unfortunately I couldn't buy any of your meat, given the Queen's allergy to cow steroids, but I wish I could.  Pink meat seems played out and I enjoyed the wide range of browns and greys.  It's also a bold move, but a wise one, to avoid having any boneless chicken breasts.  In the future, I would get rid of all chicken if you could.  Those birds scare the hell out of me.  They're just one evolution turn away from a Cockatrice.  I applaud your stand against mythical hybrid monsters.

The only thing I would have to complain about today is that it's kinda hard to move around your store.  It's not those super narrow aisles, they're so homey.  And I even like the way that items are classified.  So few stores employ the Drunken Decimal System, and having three places where I can find juice helps my juice buying needs.  However, the problem comes when trying to navigate the swarms of people on cell phones.  They just stand there looking dumbfounded at the shelves uttering the same phrase to whoever is on the other end.  "They don't have it," rings out from all these poor souls like a desperate funeral dirge.

I'm not too sure what you have against small towns, not that a county seat of 40,000 is that small.  I understand that you all at Kroger corporate are busy building your really nice stores right across the street from a Whole Foods, but we in the "sticks." would like some love, too.  I hope one day you'll realize that with a little bit of investment, you could rule these markets.  It may just be a rumor, but I hear that medium and small towns also like to eat healthy and if a supermarket chain paid one tenth the attention they do to a bigger city, then they most likely would rule the area.

Or perhaps your whole aim is to keep us fat and stupid.  After all, we're just a bunch of farmers and factory workers.  We really should be happy to have a store at all.  We all are probably unreasonable to want something updated to the 21st century.  Who do we think we are?  The Rockefellers?  I'm sure you just have our best interest at heart, and by no means have a faulty forecasting model that favors more urban areas.  It's not like the grocery business is hurting financially.

Anyways, keep on what you're doing.  Which is nothing.

                                                                                                                                                     Your friend,


P.S.  Are you still coming over for our Valentine's Day dinner?  Don't worry, I'll bring the food.

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