Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Day 19 -- Weather One-Up
Weather one-upping happens when you live in one part of the country and experience crappy weather. When you complain about said crappy weather, someone from another part of the country tells you how much worse their weather is. For instance, last week I posted a note on Facebook to let God know that we in Ohio would like it to stop snowing, and sure enough, several people in Chicago had to tell me about how much more it snowed there. Bam! One-upped and nothing you can do about it.
It's not like you can bitch about being one-upped, because while I may feel unhappy with five inches of snow and 3° temperature, they're sitting around with 17 inches of snow and -17° temperature. That's like complaining that you lost your wallet to someone who was on the losing end of a Ponzi scheme. You just take it, put it in the mental bank, and save up the rage. You will have a worse weather day, someday, and then you can collect.
Because, we all weather one-up at some point or another. Perhaps your annoying uncle keeps posting beautiful sunsets from Florida and complains about the frost warning they have tonight. You're instinctively going to let him know that while it's too bad that he has to turn on the heat, you have to scrape ice off the inside of your windows. What a jerk he is anyways, prattling on like that. Doesn't he know how good he has it?
Sometimes we even weather one-up our friends and family who live in close proximity. Does this statement seem familiar: "I can't believe that little Suzie doesn't have school today. When I was a kid in Buffalo, we consistently had over sixteen feet of snow and we never cancelled school." I'm just using Suzie and Buffalo and sixteen inches of snow as examples, mind you. I don't actually think you said those exact words. But I'm sure it was something similar that was equally as one-uppity.
Just remember as you weather one-up someone, there's another person living in a crappier climate waiting to one-up you. Farmers in Indiana will one-up Mississippians. Cheeseheads in Green Bay one-ups Hoosiers. Sheriffs in Fargo, North Dakota make fun of Facebook statuses from Green Bay. Mounties in Manitoba text pictures of thermometers to Fargo. Loggers in Juneau call Manitoba a bunch of wusses. And penguins in Antarctica make harassing phone calls to Juneau. Even Santa takes a little jab at Antarctica every once and a while.
So before you hit send on that comment that weather one-ups a snowed-in blog writer from Ohio, just know that Santa can one-up the hell out of you. We all need warm thoughts this winter and not a who's-colder-than-who frozen pissing contest. Remember that we're all in this together.
However, if some jerk tries to reverse weather one-up you and tells you how warm they are in Miami while you're busy shoveling a tunnel to your mailbox, then by all means give both barrels. Those d-bags deserve everything you can dish out!