Monday, January 27, 2014

Day 9 -- Unsolicited Disney World Advice

As I look out of my bedroom window, all I see is dark.  It's 10:35 and I live adjacent to a corn field.  However, if it had been six hours or so earlier, or a full moon, I would see a world awash in white.  The snow rages on, and on, and on without an end in sight.  And accompanying that snow, like some goth chick's sullen friend, is cold.  Damn cold.  So cold that penguins have actually acquired the ability to fly so they could escape to a more southern climate.

Luckily I received news that the two conventions I have in Orlando this April have been confirmed.  Just the thought of warmer weather brings a smile to these chapped lips, even though the trip doesn't happen for 86 days. Just the thought of a Florida spring could make me thaw out my legs in order to make it back from the mailbox. Oh, and did I mention that this trip happens to be in Disney World?  And that the Queen and Princess get to come with?

Rereads previous paragraphs. 

No, I didn't.  Sorry if I came off as sarcastic.

The Queen and I have made the Disney trip quite a lot in our lovely time together.  Starting in 2001, after a solid month of badgering, I relented and booked a week long stay at the House of Mouse.  From then on we were hooked.  Perhaps it was the child in us yearning to get free.  Perhaps it was the pampering that Disney gives to all its guests, no matter how smelly.  Or perhaps we hate money just sitting in our bank account.

Whatever the reason, I deem myself a Disney World expert*.  Over the years I have had at least three people asking how they could have the greatest time of their lives in WDW (that's Walt Disney World out on the street).  Now, I have decided to pass on the secrets on getting the most out of any Disney vacation--mostly so people will quit bugging me.  I have work to do.

The Top 5 Tips to a Perfect Disney World Vacation:

1.) Exclaim loudly to anyone in earshot how much this vacation costs.  Go ahead, you earned it.  A little reminder to other guests and cast members of how much of a big spender you are can make the difference between first class service and super first class service.  I'm sure most people snuck into the parks anyway, so by telling them you actually paid to go on a vacation should zip you to the front of the line of almost any attraction.  Some say it's rude.  You know what we call them?  Back-of-the-liners.

2.) Remind yourself that you're not "Disney people."  Nobody likes to travel with a Pollyanna, and you should have the decency to be the one that brings your family back down to Earth.  I'm sure you only agreed to the vacation because you have kids that watch The Suite Life of Whatever Annoying Tween Singer on the Disney Channel, or enjoy making sarcastic comments at herds or "sheeple."  You must remind yourself that you're too good for Mickey, because once you let your guard down, the magic will seduce you and you'll end up buying this sweater:

Complete with 10 battery packs and glowing devil eyes

3.) Remember that strollers and Rascals rule the walkways.  If you happen to need assistance for you or your child, whether its with a stroller or an ultra-slow Go-Kart, you will be happy to know that you own the right-a-ways.  So drive those suckers like there's a snowplow attached to the front.  Those "young healthys" should know better, and how will they know to get out of the way if you don't make them your personal speed bumps?  Winging them from behind makes a sport of those long walks between rides.  Able bodied visitors may want to practice swinging from light post to light post so they can keep the sidewalk clear for those that really matter.

4.) Make sure to carry an over-abundance of personal items at all times.  Disney is not known for amenities, and the parks can get quite boring since there is so little to see or do.  Try to bring a backpack with you if you can--filled with everything you know you can't live without.  First you may think to bring only the necessities: sunscreen, wallet, sunglasses, phone and perhaps a hat.  But you're going to be out and about for approximately six to eight hours.  You need at least bring -- at a minimum -- camera, backup camera, iPad, coloring books, extra shoes, extra pair of socks, extra pair of pants just in case you see someone running around without pants, lip balm, sandwich, sardines, hydration system, rain poncho, mace, air horn, hand sanitizer, napkins, Rush CD, Fodor's guidebook to Universal Studios, face paint, D batteries, Tolstoy's War and Peace, a couple of unfinished thank you letters, and plenty of Yak feeding pellets.  Don't worry, you can take as big of a backpack as you need.

5.) Touch every character.  Go ahead, they like it.  Especially the princesses and their security guards.

There, I hope that helps your vacation planning for Disney.  If you have no plans to ever visit Disney World, then you are a terrible person and may God have mercy on your soul.

Now I feel bad.  You're not a terrible person.  Let's go get a vanilla latte together and we can talk about how I hurt you.  But you have to pay, I'm going to Disney World.


* Disney would like to disavow Jack Grubb as being a "Disney Expert."  He does not speak for Walt Disney World or the Disney corporation.  He crashed a stock holder's meeting once, but the court told us he served his time with community service.


30 Days of Shameless Self Promotion progress: 
  • 109 page views in 24 hours.  This is down by 47 from the day before, but I'll take it.
  • 39 Facebook page likes and 28 Twitter followers. No change, but hopefully that will change soon.
  • I need to change the "Popular" posts part on the page, but it will take a bit of coding, so that's what I'm working on tomorrow.

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