Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Day 11 -- A Tale of Inspirational Woe

Yesterday I broke out the heartfelt post that described my more sentimental side.  I think those types of cathartic outbursts have some importance to developing a full picture of my character.  Without some sappiness to add a "human" element, I could come off as some d-bag who has to tear down everything society holds dear.  Someone who roots for Darth Vader to finally end those rebellious scallywags and their hippy ways.

In the past I have been accused of debasing sunshine, puppies, rainbows, caring, pants, wonderfulness, Tony Danza, and everything else that spreads warmth and goodness.  Just because I tend to see the whole picture, and not just the tiny sliver of sunshine, people mistake me for a Danny Downer.  But rainbows cannot exist without a downpour.  Puppies do crap on the rug.  Pants can chafe in all the wrong places.  To me it's not a glass half full or glass half empty argument.  The glass is too damn big.

Take the inspirational quote.  Some see these tid-bits of encouragement that can change a lifetime of disappointment.  I was going to leap off this bridge, but an angel showed me a poster with a kitty hanging from a tree.  Hang in there little furball.  My, that's a metaphor for life.  I can finish that open heart surgery!

I see the whole picture -- the exception, if you will.  What jerk photographed a cat hanging by it's claws in a tree?  I know you may die little fella, but Hallmarks around the country need this.  And how is just hanging in there inspirational?  It should read "Lift yourself up or you're gonna die."  Or "Trees are dangerous." Or "Well, today sucks."

Don't see what I mean?  Here are some random thoughts after seeing some of the Internets best inspirational quotes:

Not according to my third girlfriend.  You ever give a hug and have the person just stand there like an uncomfortable, stiff board?  That hug was like a pointy stick.  Can't get that moment back.

Except when you fart. Or eat at Subway.  That stuff is is full of preservatives.  They say Eat Fresh, but it's a lie.  I guess the moment halfway through a Subway sandwich when you decide to never eat at Subway again could indeed be called a fresh moment.  And, they spelled beginning wrong.

Why chase a dream at all?  How about you bait a humane raccoon trap with tasty treats and let it come to you.  Then you can skin it, grill it and serve your dream with a side of garlic fries.  Or better yet, sneak up on the dream ninja style and capture it when its least expecting you.

This looks like something a serial killer would tape to a mirror.  In fact this quote scares the crap out of me.  How did Google ever think this was inspirational?  Thanks Kafka.  I have one for you: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Except for professional Limbo dancers. When major league pitchers miss high it's a home run.  If you guys miss high when aiming for the toilet, their wives get mad.  I guess I should give Michelangelo credit, though.  He did say "most."

Why does this guy hate babies?  And possibly hockey players.

See!  My mind rockets to these conclusions every time I see something like this on Facebook or wherever.  I can't turn it off.  Will I ever see anything that I can just take verbatim without finding the exceptions?


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