Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Please Feed the Troll

We made it--100 hundred page views for one post!  That means world-wild fame, radio shows and and a spot on Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of 2013. Or, at the very least, a Facebook page for Losing the Internets.

Facebook is a great medium.  It shows me who I could befriend if I ever left the house.  It's full of family pictures and stories about food and who's watching what on TV.  It's the perfect blend of fuzziness and snarkiness reminiscent of a great 80's sitcom (like Cheers, not The Tortellis. We should never speak if The Tortellis again). A Facebook page may be the crown jewel in the Losing the Internets empire; am empire that brought in $1.50 last year.

And if we really wish hard on a birthday star, we may get our very own Internet Troll.  For those who don't frequent the Internet on a regular basis, you probably aren't reading this.  For everyone else, the Internet Troll embodies the true essence of hate.  Think of your school yard bully doused with a large dose of Mr. Burns, topped off with a bit of Hannibal Lecture.  The Troll has no other agenda but to derail discussions on Facebook, blogs, forums, or shopping reviews, by vomiting venom all over the place.  Trolls channel those  teachers who keep writing on your progress reports that you don't work up to your potential and that perhaps you should consider a career as a parking lot speed bump.

If the Internet Troll brings such misery, why do I want him lurking around my band new Facebook page? (Have I mentioned the Facebook page yet?  Its new and awesome!)  The Internet Troll doesn't spend time with small, insignificant blogs, and instead only comes a-hating when you make it big.  Basically, if I want to be cool, I need a Troll.

So once we have our Troll, what can we do with it?  Talking or arguing is completely out of the question based on Trolly's--aka Trolly Trollikins IV--total lack of conscionable logic.  We can feed him and spawn a virtual mud pit where we just yell at each other.  We could also ban him (which I'm pretty sure will happen).

Or, we can play some Troll games like:
  • Troll shots: Every time you read a personal insult, take a drink.
  • Troll the Troll: After every comment left by the Troll, everyone replays with "your mom" added at the end.  Trolly will either get personally offended and stop or double down with more venom, which will spawn more "your mom" comments.   Repeat.
  • Troll and treat: "Like" every Troll comment.  The Troll lives on hate and getting over 100 "likes" will cause his head to explode.
So while you visit my brand new Facebook page (did I mention it yet?), please remember that I appreciate and platonic love each and every one of you.  And while I want the "likes" to keep coming, I'm still looking for that one special "hate."