Monday, September 30, 2013

Say what?

Every Tuesday and Thursday the Princess gets whisked to preschool by the Queen leaving me in a joyfully quiet house.  I can collect my thoughts and silently work to my heart's content with only the sounds of my keyboard click-clacking away.  Twice a week, from 8:10 to 3:50, I live in a bubble of self-absorption. And I love it.

Except for the days when the Queen cannot take the child and I have to drive. On those days, I gather together my papers, my computer and my headphones and trek the thirty minutes to drop her off at school.  To save gas and an hour I then head over to the local McDonald's to partake in a Number 3 meal (steak-ish McMuffin, Deep Fried Cardboard, and a large coffee), log into the free wi-fi, and plug in my headphones.  For seven hours I type away to the sounds of my iTunes account and the glares of annoyed fast food workers.

But last Thursday I forgot my headphones and I subjected myself to the chatter of all the groups that inhabited the booth behind me.  Lewis Black has a comedy bit about how unusual snippets of a conversation can eat your brain (see it here), and now I truly understand from where brain aneurysms come.  The amount of disorienting statements that burrowed themselves under my hippocampus has been staggering.  Five days later and I still mull over their meaning.  It's a miracle I'm still alive.

What did I hear?  I'll tell you, but be sure that you have excellent catastrophic event insurance.
  •  Why does my monster keep eating all my babies? 
    A better question: why do you have a baby-eating monster at all?  I thought they were illegal in most states--like ferrets.
  • Where's my coffee?  Don't these people know that I have to poop?
    I'm not sure why a cup of coffee is needed for bowel movements...I mean after you already have to poop.  Needless to say, I avoided the bathroom for the remainder of the day.
  • I'd go to Ren Fair, but I don't know where my coconut codpiece is.
    Please be sarcasm, please be sarcasm, dear God please be sarcasm.
  • I don't feel so good today.

    Does your back hurt?

    Why would you say that to me?
    Whatever you do, don't mention this dude's back.  It's bad news.
  • Fred would be much cooler if he didn't have those gigantic bats.
    That goes without saying.
I didn't get much done on Thursday, but on the upside I am meeting a nice doctor this week to go over treatment options.  I'm confident that by next month I will use my fork independently again. 

P.S. I did not embed the Lewis Black video not because I don't know how, but because it contains some language not fit for school.  Click on the link at your own peril, but the guy can throw around a pretty mean adverb.

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