Except for the days when the Queen cannot take the child and I have to drive. On those days, I gather together my papers, my computer and my headphones and trek the thirty minutes to drop her off at school. To save gas and an hour I then head over to the local McDonald's to partake in a Number 3 meal (steak-ish McMuffin, Deep Fried Cardboard, and a large coffee), log into the free wi-fi, and plug in my headphones. For seven hours I type away to the sounds of my iTunes account and the glares of annoyed fast food workers.
But last Thursday I forgot my headphones and I subjected myself to the chatter of all the groups that inhabited the booth behind me. Lewis Black has a comedy bit about how unusual snippets of a conversation can eat your brain (see it here), and now I truly understand from where brain aneurysms come. The amount of disorienting statements that burrowed themselves under my hippocampus has been staggering. Five days later and I still mull over their meaning. It's a miracle I'm still alive.
What did I hear? I'll tell you, but be sure that you have excellent catastrophic event insurance.
- Why does my monster keep eating all my babies?
A better question: why do you have a baby-eating monster at all? I thought they were illegal in most states--like ferrets.
- Where's my coffee? Don't these people know that I have to poop?
I'm not sure why a cup of coffee is needed for bowel movements...I mean after you already have to poop. Needless to say, I avoided the bathroom for the remainder of the day.
- I'd go to Ren Fair, but I don't know where my coconut codpiece is.
Please be sarcasm, please be sarcasm, dear God please be sarcasm.
- I don't feel so good today.
Does your back hurt?
Why would you say that to me?
Whatever you do, don't mention this dude's back. It's bad news.
- Fred would be much cooler if he didn't have those gigantic bats.
That goes without saying.
P.S. I did not embed the Lewis Black video not because I don't know how, but because it contains some language not fit for school. Click on the link at your own peril, but the guy can throw around a pretty mean adverb.