The Horror that is Lazy von Jingles

Do you feel it?  That empty place in your soul where trivial, useless musings used to live.  It eats at you day after day, wondering about what's happened to Jack Grubb and his fabulous blog.  Sure, you tried to fill the void with cat videos and whatever links George Takei throws at you on Facebook, but nothing can replace Losing the Internets.  I know; I felt it too.

You can now stop sitting in the back of your closet drinking Mad Dog 20/20 listening to Depress Mode records in the dark.  I'm back, baby, so please stop flooding my inbox with requests...

wait...

Not one...

Screw you, guys!  I could have been lying dead in a ditch for all you care.  I could have been taken hostage by a rogue tribe of donkey-men demanding equal pay and their weight in hay.  Man, this is more depressing than the time when my imaginary friend ran away with my imaginary dog.  Even my Christmas elf ignores me.

That's right, I have a Christmas elf -- not that you care.  He came as a package deal with Daffodil Snowflake, the Princess's elf.  Her elf gives her special surprises, like a tub of cookie dough in the fridge or trips to the zoo.  Daffodil texts the Princess with clever jokes and inspirational quotes.  She loves her elf and draws it pictures depicting the two dancing and enjoying a nice yogurt parfait together.

My elf, Lazy von Jingles, hates me and I hate him.  While Daffodil flitters around the house spreading sunshine and gaiety, Lazy von Jingles just sits on the couch eating pork rinds and scratching himself with our good spatula.  Ask him to bring his plate to the sink or stop watching Pay-Per-View pornography, and he just spits in your eye.  And the mouth on the bastard!  Even Eminem was like, "Dude, you need to tone it down."

I didn't even want to get into the Elf Tradition. (Can you even call something started in 2005 a tradition?)  If you're not familiar with Elf on a Shelf, let me fill you in.  Evidently, Santa could give a crap about privacy rights as he sends his NSA-like elf spies to record your every move.  From Thanksgiving until Christmas, these little a-holes watch to see what "naughty" things your family does on a day-to-day basis.  Then on Christmas Eve, it goes back to Santa with a comprehensive report that makes the Affordable Care Act seem like light reading.  Forget Elf on a Shelf, it should be called NARC in the Dark.

My elf, however, will have none of that.  According to von Jingle, I'm already on the naughty list because "I know what I did."  I can't even protest it to the big guy himself or a "dead hooker may find its way into my trunk."  And forget about the nice gifts or experiences that some elves leave their charge.  Here's what the Princess got from Daffodil Snowflake:

Here's the kind of texts I get:

or

The worst part of Lazy is whenever I ask if he's really leaving on Christmas, he just winks and says "Maybe."  What the hell does that mean?!  And why does he keep slapping me on the butt?  Seriously!

Maybe now you'll feel bad for not caring if I posted another entry on the blog.  It's pretty hard to write while hiding from some maniacal elf who keeps "accidentally" cutting the power lines.  You know a nice note would have given me an emotional boost in this hard time.  But go ahead, enjoy your holiday.  Lazy von Jingles has a butter-sock full of Christmas cheer all ready for me. 

The Princess Conspiracy

I don't know if you noticed, but last winter a struggling studio named the Walt Disney Company put out a small independent film called Frozen.  It's about the life of a magical, talking snowman and how he shows two sisters, one who has winter-based powers and one who doesn't, the meaning of true love.  Oops...

SPOILERS

It's about the life of a magical, talking snowman and how he shows two sisters, one who has winter-based powers and one who doesn't, the meaning of true love.

SPOILERS OVER

The movie seemed to make a buck or two and gained a lot of praise for how Disney bucked it's "helpless little princess" ways of past movies.  Newspapers and feminist blogs everywhere raved how Anna is saved by an act of sisterly love, and not by any man!  In fact the usual tropes of love at first sight or openly mocked by having the initial love interest becoming a right bastard.  Disney has finally found a progressive princess to be proud of -- unlike those meek and boy-crazy monarchs of the past.  Oops...

SPOILERS

There are still newspapers.

SPOILERS OVER

On the surface this feminist proposition sounds justified.  From Snow White to Rapunzel, Disney "princess" heroines mostly concern themselves with men.  By reading the back of the box of these films, these girls can exude the appearance of ditzy, meek little things that need to be saved rather than role models that modern girls should emulate.  Even the Disney Princess line of toys perpetuates that stereotype, by covering all toys in pink, purple and other pastels and keeping themes to salons, kitchens and dress shops.  On the surface, these past princesses are only about the tiara.

But I object the premise of the argument.  In fact most Disney movies show young women that I would be happy for my own Princess to mimic.  Most of these heorines are everything I strive to teach my daughter about being kind, strong, true to beliefs and taking risks.  In what I will dub the Princess Conspiracy, I will show you how strong these women are princess by princess using Disney's own princess collection.

Lets start in order, shall we:

Snow White:  Sure, she's demonized for her looks by a vain step-mother, and banished to die, but she convinces her executioner not to do it.  Then she breaks into a house and pretty much takes over.  Sure she cooks and cleans, but it's the 1930's.  Name another 1930's film that features women in both the heroine and villain roles.

Cinderella:  Here's a girl who is stripped of her title and acts as a defacto slave to her step-family.  Does she wilt or whine in her situation?  No!  She performs her tasks dutifully and trains mice in her spare time.  When she wants something she goes after it, creating a dress from scraps to attend the only thing that could distract her from her miserable existence.  And when she is thwarted, who comes to her rescue -- another woman!  Then at the end when the palace lackey comes around with the glass slipper, she defies her oppressors and was like, "Yeah, that's my slipper bi-otch.  I'll see you losers later."  I'm pretty sure if the prince didn't come a-calling, she would have led the mice on an all-out revolution.

Aurora:  OK, this gal is pretty damsel in distressy, but in her defense, she had no idea what was going on.  Her parents hid her a forest with three old ladies for 16 years.  Then she sleeps for the other half of the movie.  It's hard to play a liberated sleeping woman.

Ariel:  This sixteen year old may fall in love a bit quick, but her determination and risk-taking shows that she will not bow to any man.  Her quest actually has to do more with the human world, and the man is just the cherry on top.  And when her dad throws a hissy fit, does she give up and cower to a man's whims? Hell no.  She trades a part of herself to get what she wants.  A less progressive women would have sought out  the nearest merman and popped out a litter of merpeople while being trapped in a loveless mermarriage.

Belle:  She's incredibly intelligent and reads during a time when women -- or most people -- were not literate.  When people allude to the idea of taking a man, she's like "screw you, a-hole," and rebukes Gaston's manliness.  She sacrifices herself to protect the elderly, and t naturally becomes the leader of a bunch of talking household items.  Then she forces the man to submit to her preferences before she will even consider loving him, and not the other way around.  It's also interesting to note that the villain is the stereotypical image of masculinity.

Jasmine:   Consider for a moment that in many countries of the modern-era Middle East women cannot drive or travel without permission from a man.  Then look at Jasmine who freely speaks her mind to the Sultan.  Thieves get their hands cut off for stealing a crust of bread, what do you think would happen to a woman who back-talked their father?  And she owned a tiger! 

Pocahontas:  I have actually never seen Pocahontas all the way through.  The talking tree threw me for a loop and I never finished the movie.  I hear she's a bad-ass that saves John Smith and then stays with her people instead of following him back to England. 

Mulan: She saves China from the freakin' Huns.  The.  Freakin'.  Huns. 

Tiana:  Hard working, independent thinker, and a thirst to be a small business owner.  That's a pretty large, non-stereotypical role for a black woman in the 1920's.  In fact it is the prejudice of the white, male bankers that deny her ambition.  But she displays tenacity and grace as she keeps pursuing her dream.  She doesn't even let getting turned into a frog get in her way.  She makes the prince work for her affection as she thinks he's a jerk for most of the movie.  And in the end when she could retire to the palace and live the life a leisure, she says "Not in this lifetime!  I'm opening my damn restaurant and you, Princy-boy, will be my waiter.  I am the wage earner in this family!" 

Rapunzel:  This is the most intriguing princess, as on the service she seems like the demure cliche of femininity.   She bubbly and optimistic and naive and wears pastel purple.  What a ditz.  Then when the man shows up, she smacks him into submission, forces him to escort her around and do her bidding, rescues him multiple times, and even saves HIS life in the end.  By the way she proposed to him.  It's clear that its her kingdom and he's merely the arm-candy. 

Merida:  In every way throughout this film, Merida defies her "womanly" expectations and outshines every single man to the point where they are merely background characters.  Not only does she not have a love interest, she humiliates all who even tried.  

You may think that Disney movies only show vulnerable, flighty women, and I will respect your decision to be wrong.  The princess product line may make this rather strong group of teenagers look like vapid airheads whose only thought is about their perfectly quaffed hair, but I believe that's a horrible disservice to the source material.  I, for one, will confidently show these movies to my daughter so she can view a wealth of positive female role models.   

Except for Pocahontas.  Talking trees freak me out.

Hiding in the dark

I'm hiding on my bed in the dark trying to be as quiet as possible.

"Is there a psycho killer loose in your house?" You ask, hopefully quietly. 

No, it's a three-year-old child who has relocated herself from her room to the couch.  I foolishly said that if she actually pooped during the day, she could have sleep wherever she wanted to tonight.  Usually she poops in her Pull-Up during the night, which leads to all sorts of shenanigans.  Today, right before her bath, she pooped, and then declared that she was going to sleep on the couch.

All was good until she actually had to sleep on the couch.  It's rather uncomfortable compared to a bed.  She's been tossing, and turning, and telling me that I'm making too much noise, and that the light from my room is bugging her.  I tried to convince her to go back into her room, but to no avail.

And a deal is a deal.

So I sit in the dark on a bed full of clean unfolded clothes wondering what makes parenthood so wonderful.  Then I remember how she spent two hours singing "Let it Go" and dancing crazy-like across the living room.  I guess it's worth it.

Crap, the furnace just clicked on.....

Keeping fingers crossed.

What I learned on Sesame Street

There are three things in this world that I know to be true:

1. Milk and bread only become necessities one day before a major snow storm.
2. Scotch tape always seems in abundant supply, except when you need to wrap a birthday present.
3. When day 17 hits on your child's Christmas break from school you will let her watch 25 hours of television a day.

That's right, Day 17 of Christmas break from school.  From December 21st  to now would be 17 days without any formal educational stimuli.  Starting with the ten day trip to Grandmama and Fafa's house, the Princess has survived on presents, candy, cookies, pie and a unending stream of attention.  Someone may have even slipped her some booze.*  It's hard to tell since every three-year-old slurs words and challenges bigger people to fights, especially those hopped up on high fructose corn syrup.

We arrived home just before New Year's thinking that a few days of Grandparent Detox were in order, and then, just when we couldn't stand the little darling any more, she would go off to school and we could get our lives back in order.  I love the little Princess with all my heart, but I understand that I can no longer keep her interest by myself.  She's seen through my charade of entertainment, and after half a day with me I just become annoying.  By day 15 of break, my role was to open Play-doh cans, unscrew the paint cups and occasionally remind her that the dog does not like to be pounced on.  At least school was scheduled to resume the next day.

Except when inches of snow drop and it's -26°.  Evidently these weather conditions make attending an educational institution an impossibility.  It's also the weather conditions that make a parent give up and let Netflix babysit.  "At least I'll get her to watch something educational while I sit in the corner and weep," I say to convince myself this is a responsible idea.  How about some Blue's Clues or Sesame Street?  That's like a school that comes in delightful hour long segments.

To my surprise, she did choose Sesame Street, a show she didn't want to watch after her third birthday because it was "only for babies."  And watching it with extremely tired eyes, I started noticing things I didn't before.  Things like:

• Ernie and Bert can afford to live in a downtown New York apartment even though they have no jobs, a kindergarten level education and an unhealthy attachment to bottle caps and rubber ducks.  Either they are living on government assistance or they are heir to the FEO Schwartz fortune.
• Cookie Monster probably has Type 2 diabetes.
• The older I get, the more I relate to Oscar the Grouch's way of thinking.
• Telly Monster sounds like he's 45 and works in a New York butcher shop.  What's he doing hanging around a bunch of kids?
• It's kinda mean the way Elmo keeps pestering Mr. Noodle in his Elmo's World spot.  Just let the homeless man outside your window sleep.
• Elmo's World, itself, needs an update.  Today's episode talked about developing film for cameras.  Unless Elmo is a hipster art geek, he probably should go digital.  Or just do a show about iPhones and take a countless number of pictures of food.
• I miss Kermit the Frog and spent the rest of the day showing the Princess his on-the-spot reporting segments.  On the plus side, I love Murray, the new "host" of Sesame Street.
• The Street still rocks and made a 37 year old man laugh.

At least if I have another few days of no school, I can spend it watching an old favorite with my daughter.  I hear that the temperature sky rockets to the 20's later this week, and school should be back on.  Maybe we have time to squeeze in one or two more episodes.

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*Editors' note:  Dear Child Protective Services,  Under no circumstances did anyone give our child any alcohol.  That would be wrong.  She didn't even eat that much sugar.  And we had no prior knowledge that chloroform was doused on that rag.  She was just smelling things, and well...let's have my friend Mr. Franklin explain it to you.

My Mix Tape

The hardest emotion for two people to display to one another is love.  Sure they can write poems, or send flowers, or cook a favorite meal, or kiss, or canoodle, or go on romantic vacation cruise through upper Mongolia, or even say "I love you," ... but do any of those things really say love?  What's needed is a method of communication that can woo the heart and rock out the soul.  What's needed is a mix tape.

A mix tape conveys what you could have said if you kept practicing the guitar and didn't scare young children when you sing.  It's the first step of a real relationship and takes you from the "like" stage to the "like-like" stage.  For a teenager or hipster, a mix tape become the unspoken statement or, "I really think you're swell.  Now here are some songs that should help me get to second base."  You could use it to try and round third and slide into home, but that's some pretty tricky mixing.  Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On may work, but don't oversell your position with a song like George Michael's I Want Your Sex.  There's a fine line between romantic gesture and restraining order.

In the heyday of mixes--after 8 Tracks and before MP3s--you had to have a physical copy of the song before you could transfer it to a cassette or CD.  This usually meant that aside from borrowing your sister's Bryan Adams and Eric Clapton: Unplugged CD's, you had to rely on whatever music you owned.  If you were a music aficionado, you were OK.  But if you were like me and all your tapes could fit inside a shoebox, then you were in trouble.  One of my best friends tried to make a mix for a girl during his sophomore year in high school and he only owned three Guns and Roses tapes and one Pearl Jam CD.  When he got to track four and had to resort to Welcome to the Jungle, we both knew that he should look elsewhere for dates.

The key to a mix tape (or playlist for the iTunes generations) lies in mixing up the themes and genres.  Love songs hit a nice chord, but after five or six in a row, they all sound the same:

I love you like [insert metaphor] 
and more than [insert another metaphor]
Why don't we [sexual innuendo]

Throw in a power anthem to shake it up a little.  It will show that you have some depth and can find interest in a variety of topics.  Besides, 20 love songs in a row becomes pretty creepy.  Stalkers fill a playlist with 20 love songs.

For an added degree of difficulty, try to select different genres and eras.  Like theme choice, this shows that your personality has many sides to it.  You like Rock AND Country!?  Frank Sinatra and Jay Z?!  Why, you are complex and interesting and need some lovin'.  Selecting a smattering of lesser known bands also helps your "interesting" level, but do so sparingly.  Filling the entire mix with "indie" artists makes you a condescending douchebag.

Every year since 2007 I've actually created a mix for the Queen for one of her Christmas presents.  I find that it keeps the marriage interesting, especially during a stressful time of the year.  Now that the Princess is around and cognizant, all music must carry the all-important Princess Seal of Approval.  And although its kinda testosterone-heavy at the end, I think we did alright this year.

Here's the list:

1. Princess intro (a days of the week song recorded by the Princess herself)
2. Princess Cupcake -- Marion Call
3. Roar -- Katie Perry
4. Home -- Jack Johnson
5. Calico Skies -- Paul McCartney
6. The Luckiest -- Ben Folds
7. Free to Be Me -- Francesca Battistelli
8. Carry On (iTunes Session) -- Fun.
9. Head over Feet -- Alanis Morissette
10. I Don't Know a Thing -- Lucy Schwartz
11. I Will Wait -- Mumford & Sons
12. That's When I Love You -- Mark Aaron James
13. Odds Are -- Barenaked Ladies
14. What Would I Do Without You -- Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors
15. Superman -- Lazio Bane
16. Marry You -- Bruno Mars
17. Turn Up the Music -- Lemonade Head
18. Rhythm of Love -- Plain White T's
19. OK, It's Alright With Me -- Eric Hutchinson
20. Gone, Gone, Gone -- Phillip Phillips
21. Close your Eyes -- Michael Buble
22. Monday -- ALO
23. Cherry Bomb -- John Mellencamp
24. Waiting On the World to Change -- John Mayer
25. This Song Would Be Better -- Mark Aaron James
26. A Pirate Looks at Forty -- Jimmy Buffett
27. Brave -- Sara Bareilles
28. Flowers in Your Hair -- The Lumineers
29. Save the Last Dance For Me -- Michael Buble
30. Merry Christmas, Mommy/You Are My Sunshine -- The Princess

Long, but needs to last an exhausting car trip to whatever parents house we visit for Christmas.  I think its one of the better one's I've made, although last year I did get to slip in "Dumb Ways to Die" by Tangerine Kitty (which is really an Australian train safety PSA).  At least it should help me get to "Like-like" stage, and perhaps we could even hold hands at the malt shop.

Oh boy, a present with strings attached!

With Pre-Christmas behind us and real Christmas fast approaching, it has been shopping time in the Kingdom of Grubb.  The Princess, being three and all, finally understands that Christmas is a wonderful time of year in which we celebrate the birth of the Baby Jesus through his second in command, Santa Claus.  She loves the pageantry of Christmas with the lights and the cookies and the Jingle Belling and whatnot.  From helping decorate our tree to assembling our Elf village, every day belongs to some part of Christmas.

Of course the big pay off to Christmas for this young lass is the presents.   Like when the light went off that she can shake down our neighbors for candy at Halloween, the Princess figured out that if she's good, we are morally obligated to give her stuff.  In preparation, she's written a long Christmas list including every item in the Disney Store.  The Princess needs more of her kind, especially if they are little, plastic and painful to step on when barefoot.  She especially needs a Rainbow Dash that she can color herself.

I would try harder to dissuade this fascination with gifts, but she genuinely feels thankful for everything she gets.  I could give her a 1964 red Mustang convertible or a piece of belly button lint and the reaction would be 100% grateful.  Seriously, the child was just as excited getting an IHOP gift card as when she unwrapped her pink, big girl scooter.  This attitude makes you want to buy things for her.  Not anything expensive, mind you.  I'm not made of money, especially when everyone leaves the front door open and heats the whole outside.

With present d-day approaching, I was stoked about the $10 Toys-R-Us gift card offer in the Wendy's Chicken Nuggets kids meal.  $10 to Toys-R-Us, that's fantastic!  Watch out Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself; consider yourself bought.  I think I'll go to Toy-R-Us right now!  Or at least after I pick up some milk at the grocery store!  And go to the bank!  And finish cleaning the garage!

Then I saw the fine print.  You cannot use the gift card offer on:

• Baby Food
• Diapers
• Formula
• Wipes
• Red Hot Deals
• Hot Price and Unbeatable Price Items
• Ameda
• Baby Jogger
• BOB
• Britax
• Bugaboo
• ERGObaby
• Mamas & Papas
• Maxi-Cosi car seats
• Medela breast pumps (why they would sell this at a toy store, I'm not sure)
• Motorola
• Pediped
• Peg Pergo
• Phil & Teds
• Quinny
• Robeez
• Thyme Maternity
• Electronic learning toys
• Netbooks
• Tablets
• Video game hardware
• Video games
• Apple products
• FAO Schwartz toys
• Buyer Protection Plans
• Gift cards
• Photo studios
• Phone orders
• Special orders
• Assembly fee
• Breast-pump rental fee
• or Shipping and handling

Whew, what a pretty exhaustive list.  It seems like the only thing the $10 gift certificate can buy is a Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself.  Except when you look harder, you find it's not even a $10 gift card.  It's an offer for a $10 gift card IF you spend $50.  So, if I read this correctly, I have to spend money to save money to spend more money.  That's marketing genius!

But I suppose I could spend $50 worth of crap on one ticket and then turn right around and spend the gift card on the elusive Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself.  Nope.  The gift card doesn't activate for 6 hours after they give it to you.  That's me coming back to a toy store during Christmas after I already bought stuff!  Toys-R-Us is perpetually crowded with other people's kids during the holidays and some of them don't like waiting in crowds while their parents buy stuff they can't immediately play with.  It's a loud, sad place that breeds anger and smells like unchanged diapers.  I hear they even have to talk Geoffrey Giraffe off the roof with promises that everything will be all right after New Year's.

Well, at least I can save the $10 bucks in my wallet for her September birthday.  Nope.  The card must be used by February 1, 2014.  The choice I  have to make is to re-shop for Christmas after I just bought $50 worth of junk OR come back after Christmas when the child is already up to her eyeballs in plastic Princess paraphernalia.  Talk about a lose-lose situation.

You know, Toys-R-Us, I appreciate what you're doing here.  Spreading a little holiday joy by giving a mostly worthless gift card that's fairly limited in what you can buy or when you can use it.  I think I'll buy my Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself on Amazon.  That way I can still play full price and I won't have to leave my jammies.  And my jammies are freakin' warm.