Done. Great. Now you know that I have a two-year-old daughter, who I will call the Princess. I guess I could have just opened with "I have a two-year-old" rather than making you feel guilt for not reading my bio, but then you wouldn't also know that I have a SUV and am a rather handsome guy, and don't you feel better about knowing those facts.
To get back on point, the Princess really likes to read. Or to be more exact, she likes to bring me books and have read to her. A lot. A whole lot. Like 1500 books a day. Evidently my whole existence as Dad revolves around reading her these 1500 books a day on demand. And to reach the M&M's. But mostly the reading.
What I've noticed from reading 1500 picture books a day from an over demanding two-year-old is that many children's authors should have never learned to read and write. Seriously, the only solace I get from reading The Twins Take a Bath, is that I hope one day the plot will magically change where one twin mysteriously drowns and a CSI: Miami investigation takes place ("I guess someone should have worn their water wings" *Carusoed!*). It's because of these literary gems that I began to perform a bit of censorship on her reading habits. Pretty much if I don't like it, it's being read by her mother.
Thankfully there are a bunch good children's authors. If you, dear reader, find yourself living with a two-year-old, here are the top five from my list:
- Mo Willems: Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs
- Melanie Watt: Chester, Scaredy Squirrel Finds a Friend
- A.A. Milne: Winnie the Pooh
- Stephen King: IT, Salem's Lot
- Kevin Henkes: Chrysanthemum, A Good Day
Jane and her Imaginary Fred: A cautionary tale in which Jane's imaginary friend, Fred, steals her identity and racks up $50,000 in credit card debt.
Billy's Big Day: Aspiring nuclear physicist, Billy Bombardier, creates a time rift where he creates an alternate reality where M. Night Shyamalan made suspenseful movies.
The Garden Bunch Does Lunch: Bobby Broccoli and the rest of the Garden Bunch helps Jesse stop his damn whining and eat his goddamn peas.
Now that I think about it, these ideas are gold. If I see anything like this on my library shelves, I'm hunting you down and prosecuting you to the fullest extent of the law.