Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Monday, December 15, 2014
Lazy von Jingles -- Multitasker
So, it was a quiet weekend without a visit from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (and I don't mean Voldemort). That was until I received this text:
But I got the last laugh. I just invited over the geriatric nudist society to try out my new living room trampoline.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Lazy von Jingles: Master of Pranks
My maniacal elf is back, this time in 30's gangster form.
Unfortunately, I am not the bees knees like Larry. Perhaps I can wow ol' von Jingles with a Cracker Jack performance.
Unfortunately, I am not the bees knees like Larry. Perhaps I can wow ol' von Jingles with a Cracker Jack performance.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Lazy von Jingles gets personal
Another miserable text from my Elf on the Shelf, Lazy von Jingles...
Never-nude until New Year's!
Never-nude until New Year's!
The Horror that is Lazy von Jingles
Do you feel it? That empty place in your soul where trivial, useless musings used to live. It eats at you day after day, wondering about what's happened to Jack Grubb and his fabulous blog. Sure, you tried to fill the void with cat videos and whatever links George Takei throws at you on Facebook, but nothing can replace Losing the Internets. I know; I felt it too.
You can now stop sitting in the back of your closet drinking Mad Dog 20/20 listening to Depress Mode records in the dark. I'm back, baby, so please stop flooding my inbox with requests...
wait...
Not one...
Screw you, guys! I could have been lying dead in a ditch for all you care. I could have been taken hostage by a rogue tribe of donkey-men demanding equal pay and their weight in hay. Man, this is more depressing than the time when my imaginary friend ran away with my imaginary dog. Even my Christmas elf ignores me.
That's right, I have a Christmas elf -- not that you care. He came as a package deal with Daffodil Snowflake, the Princess's elf. Her elf gives her special surprises, like a tub of cookie dough in the fridge or trips to the zoo. Daffodil texts the Princess with clever jokes and inspirational quotes. She loves her elf and draws it pictures depicting the two dancing and enjoying a nice yogurt parfait together.
My elf, Lazy von Jingles, hates me and I hate him. While Daffodil flitters around the house spreading sunshine and gaiety, Lazy von Jingles just sits on the couch eating pork rinds and scratching himself with our good spatula. Ask him to bring his plate to the sink or stop watching Pay-Per-View pornography, and he just spits in your eye. And the mouth on the bastard! Even Eminem was like, "Dude, you need to tone it down."
I didn't even want to get into the Elf Tradition. (Can you even call something started in 2005 a tradition?) If you're not familiar with Elf on a Shelf, let me fill you in. Evidently, Santa could give a crap about privacy rights as he sends his NSA-like elf spies to record your every move. From Thanksgiving until Christmas, these little a-holes watch to see what "naughty" things your family does on a day-to-day basis. Then on Christmas Eve, it goes back to Santa with a comprehensive report that makes the Affordable Care Act seem like light reading. Forget Elf on a Shelf, it should be called NARC in the Dark.
My elf, however, will have none of that. According to von Jingle, I'm already on the naughty list because "I know what I did." I can't even protest it to the big guy himself or a "dead hooker may find its way into my trunk." And forget about the nice gifts or experiences that some elves leave their charge. Here's what the Princess got from Daffodil Snowflake:
Here's the kind of texts I get:
or
The worst part of Lazy is whenever I ask if he's really leaving on Christmas, he just winks and says "Maybe." What the hell does that mean?! And why does he keep slapping me on the butt? Seriously!
Maybe now you'll feel bad for not caring if I posted another entry on the blog. It's pretty hard to write while hiding from some maniacal elf who keeps "accidentally" cutting the power lines. You know a nice note would have given me an emotional boost in this hard time. But go ahead, enjoy your holiday. Lazy von Jingles has a butter-sock full of Christmas cheer all ready for me.
You can now stop sitting in the back of your closet drinking Mad Dog 20/20 listening to Depress Mode records in the dark. I'm back, baby, so please stop flooding my inbox with requests...
wait...
Not one...
Screw you, guys! I could have been lying dead in a ditch for all you care. I could have been taken hostage by a rogue tribe of donkey-men demanding equal pay and their weight in hay. Man, this is more depressing than the time when my imaginary friend ran away with my imaginary dog. Even my Christmas elf ignores me.
That's right, I have a Christmas elf -- not that you care. He came as a package deal with Daffodil Snowflake, the Princess's elf. Her elf gives her special surprises, like a tub of cookie dough in the fridge or trips to the zoo. Daffodil texts the Princess with clever jokes and inspirational quotes. She loves her elf and draws it pictures depicting the two dancing and enjoying a nice yogurt parfait together.
My elf, Lazy von Jingles, hates me and I hate him. While Daffodil flitters around the house spreading sunshine and gaiety, Lazy von Jingles just sits on the couch eating pork rinds and scratching himself with our good spatula. Ask him to bring his plate to the sink or stop watching Pay-Per-View pornography, and he just spits in your eye. And the mouth on the bastard! Even Eminem was like, "Dude, you need to tone it down."
I didn't even want to get into the Elf Tradition. (Can you even call something started in 2005 a tradition?) If you're not familiar with Elf on a Shelf, let me fill you in. Evidently, Santa could give a crap about privacy rights as he sends his NSA-like elf spies to record your every move. From Thanksgiving until Christmas, these little a-holes watch to see what "naughty" things your family does on a day-to-day basis. Then on Christmas Eve, it goes back to Santa with a comprehensive report that makes the Affordable Care Act seem like light reading. Forget Elf on a Shelf, it should be called NARC in the Dark.
My elf, however, will have none of that. According to von Jingle, I'm already on the naughty list because "I know what I did." I can't even protest it to the big guy himself or a "dead hooker may find its way into my trunk." And forget about the nice gifts or experiences that some elves leave their charge. Here's what the Princess got from Daffodil Snowflake:
Here's the kind of texts I get:
or
The worst part of Lazy is whenever I ask if he's really leaving on Christmas, he just winks and says "Maybe." What the hell does that mean?! And why does he keep slapping me on the butt? Seriously!
Maybe now you'll feel bad for not caring if I posted another entry on the blog. It's pretty hard to write while hiding from some maniacal elf who keeps "accidentally" cutting the power lines. You know a nice note would have given me an emotional boost in this hard time. But go ahead, enjoy your holiday. Lazy von Jingles has a butter-sock full of Christmas cheer all ready for me.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Oh boy, a present with strings attached!
With Pre-Christmas behind us and real Christmas fast approaching, it has been shopping time in the Kingdom of Grubb. The Princess, being three and all, finally understands that Christmas is a wonderful time of year in which we celebrate the birth of the Baby Jesus through his second in command, Santa Claus. She loves the pageantry of Christmas with the lights and the cookies and the Jingle Belling and whatnot. From helping decorate our tree to assembling our Elf village, every day belongs to some part of Christmas.
Of course the big pay off to Christmas for this young lass is the presents. Like when the light went off that she can shake down our neighbors for candy at Halloween, the Princess figured out that if she's good, we are morally obligated to give her stuff. In preparation, she's written a long Christmas list including every item in the Disney Store. The Princess needs more of her kind, especially if they are little, plastic and painful to step on when barefoot. She especially needs a Rainbow Dash that she can color herself.
I would try harder to dissuade this fascination with gifts, but she genuinely feels thankful for everything she gets. I could give her a 1964 red Mustang convertible or a piece of belly button lint and the reaction would be 100% grateful. Seriously, the child was just as excited getting an IHOP gift card as when she unwrapped her pink, big girl scooter. This attitude makes you want to buy things for her. Not anything expensive, mind you. I'm not made of money, especially when everyone leaves the front door open and heats the whole outside.
With present d-day approaching, I was stoked about the $10 Toys-R-Us gift card offer in the Wendy's Chicken Nuggets kids meal. $10 to Toys-R-Us, that's fantastic! Watch out Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself; consider yourself bought. I think I'll go to Toy-R-Us right now! Or at least after I pick up some milk at the grocery store! And go to the bank! And finish cleaning the garage!
Then I saw the fine print. You cannot use the gift card offer on:
But I suppose I could spend $50 worth of crap on one ticket and then turn right around and spend the gift card on the elusive Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself. Nope. The gift card doesn't activate for 6 hours after they give it to you. That's me coming back to a toy store during Christmas after I already bought stuff! Toys-R-Us is perpetually crowded with other people's kids during the holidays and some of them don't like waiting in crowds while their parents buy stuff they can't immediately play with. It's a loud, sad place that breeds anger and smells like unchanged diapers. I hear they even have to talk Geoffrey Giraffe off the roof with promises that everything will be all right after New Year's.
Well, at least I can save the $10 bucks in my wallet for her September birthday. Nope. The card must be used by February 1, 2014. The choice I have to make is to re-shop for Christmas after I just bought $50 worth of junk OR come back after Christmas when the child is already up to her eyeballs in plastic Princess paraphernalia. Talk about a lose-lose situation.
You know, Toys-R-Us, I appreciate what you're doing here. Spreading a little holiday joy by giving a mostly worthless gift card that's fairly limited in what you can buy or when you can use it. I think I'll buy my Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself on Amazon. That way I can still play full price and I won't have to leave my jammies. And my jammies are freakin' warm.
Of course the big pay off to Christmas for this young lass is the presents. Like when the light went off that she can shake down our neighbors for candy at Halloween, the Princess figured out that if she's good, we are morally obligated to give her stuff. In preparation, she's written a long Christmas list including every item in the Disney Store. The Princess needs more of her kind, especially if they are little, plastic and painful to step on when barefoot. She especially needs a Rainbow Dash that she can color herself.
I would try harder to dissuade this fascination with gifts, but she genuinely feels thankful for everything she gets. I could give her a 1964 red Mustang convertible or a piece of belly button lint and the reaction would be 100% grateful. Seriously, the child was just as excited getting an IHOP gift card as when she unwrapped her pink, big girl scooter. This attitude makes you want to buy things for her. Not anything expensive, mind you. I'm not made of money, especially when everyone leaves the front door open and heats the whole outside.
With present d-day approaching, I was stoked about the $10 Toys-R-Us gift card offer in the Wendy's Chicken Nuggets kids meal. $10 to Toys-R-Us, that's fantastic! Watch out Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself; consider yourself bought. I think I'll go to Toy-R-Us right now! Or at least after I pick up some milk at the grocery store! And go to the bank! And finish cleaning the garage!
Then I saw the fine print. You cannot use the gift card offer on:
- Baby Food
- Diapers
- Formula
- Wipes
- Red Hot Deals
- Hot Price and Unbeatable Price Items
- Ameda
- Baby Jogger
- BOB
- Britax
- Bugaboo
- ERGObaby
- Mamas & Papas
- Maxi-Cosi car seats
- Medela breast pumps (why they would sell this at a toy store, I'm not sure)
- Motorola
- Pediped
- Peg Pergo
- Phil & Teds
- Quinny
- Robeez
- Thyme Maternity
- Electronic learning toys
- Netbooks
- Tablets
- Video game hardware
- Video games
- Apple products
- FAO Schwartz toys
- Buyer Protection Plans
- Gift cards
- Photo studios
- Phone orders
- Special orders
- Assembly fee
- Breast-pump rental fee
- or Shipping and handling
But I suppose I could spend $50 worth of crap on one ticket and then turn right around and spend the gift card on the elusive Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself. Nope. The gift card doesn't activate for 6 hours after they give it to you. That's me coming back to a toy store during Christmas after I already bought stuff! Toys-R-Us is perpetually crowded with other people's kids during the holidays and some of them don't like waiting in crowds while their parents buy stuff they can't immediately play with. It's a loud, sad place that breeds anger and smells like unchanged diapers. I hear they even have to talk Geoffrey Giraffe off the roof with promises that everything will be all right after New Year's.
Well, at least I can save the $10 bucks in my wallet for her September birthday. Nope. The card must be used by February 1, 2014. The choice I have to make is to re-shop for Christmas after I just bought $50 worth of junk OR come back after Christmas when the child is already up to her eyeballs in plastic Princess paraphernalia. Talk about a lose-lose situation.
You know, Toys-R-Us, I appreciate what you're doing here. Spreading a little holiday joy by giving a mostly worthless gift card that's fairly limited in what you can buy or when you can use it. I think I'll buy my Rainbow Dash that you can color yourself on Amazon. That way I can still play full price and I won't have to leave my jammies. And my jammies are freakin' warm.
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